How being an Ahmadi works in Pakistan

It’s my first day in university. I am an introvert and I don’t make friends easily so I stand in a corner, waiting for someone to come and talk to me, instead of me having to make the first move. A girl comes towards me, introduces me and asks me “Are you new here?” I respond in the affirmative and tell her I’m very nervous about my first day since I’m scared of new people and new environments. She links her hand in mine and tells me I don’t have to worry anymore, that she’ll help me adjust and she’ll hang around me. I heave a sigh of relief and she drags me to my first class since she knows where the new classes were supposed to be starting.

Our acquaintance gradually converts into a friendship. And that turns into a trustworthy friendship. Both of us have started spilling our deepest, darkest secrets. We have started talking about the things that matter to us, things we’re scared of, what we aspire to achieve, what change we want to bring into the world, things we would never, in a million years, tell anyone else.

Then one day, I decide to tell her I’m an Ahmadi. I decide against reason. I decide against the lectures people had given me about not declaring my religion openly, given the situation in Pakistan. Given the fact that Ahmadis were openly mocked and jeered at, that people preferred to stay away from “our lot” and how they would openly say we are Wajib-ul-Qatal – that we deserve to die. But none of these thoughts cross my mind, because I believed, at that time as hopeless and foolish that I was, that this friend I had made, she would never think like that. And even if she did not believe in our religion, what excuse is that to end such a close friendship, because by then we were inseparable. I believed in the best and one day I went to her and told her that I needed to tell her something, but that she had to promise that she wouldn’t judge me, that she wouldn’t just stop talking to me over it.

She got extremely worried over what could possibly have happened that is making me so jittery and nervous. So, before I could have any second thoughts, I blabbered – “Listen, I just wanted you to know that I didn’t tell you one thing about myself. I’m an Ahmadi. Not that if affects our friendship or anything, but I just wanted you to know so that you wouldn’t blame me later on if you found out from someone else. So…”

The expression on her face was shocking. It was a mixture of disappointment, mockery and anger. I couldn’t decipher why she was so surprised and I asked her exactly that. Her reply was “But I shared my food with you, we hung around together, you even came to fucking house, goddammit.” I said “Hey, why are you making such a big deal out of it, why does it matter what I believe in? Isn’t everyone supposed to have their own set of beliefs?” But she wouldn’t listen, she just started shouting at me “You are a fucking non-Muslim, you don’t deserve to live. You guys have turned Islam into a mockery, you should be ashamed of yourself, you bitch. You and your community needs to be taught a lesson, you guys all deserve to die. You should have told me this the first time we started hanging out so that I wouldn’t have gotten so close to you.”  

I said “Look it’s my religion, I believe in it, it’s something very personal and it shouldn’t bother you. We’re not friends on the basis of our religion, now are we? Besides, you were quite fine with me before you found out, so why make an issue of it, when we’re such best friends?” She says, in a huff – Look Saniya, I adore you but I can’t be seen talking to an Ahmadi, and hang around an Ahmadi, you are one so I can’t hang around with you. Allah sees everything and He will put me in Hell for it, too. You guys are not Muslims, and you guys are fake. I can’t be in the company of a person who calls herself a Muslim but is so astray from the religion. My elders have told me everything about what you people believe in and I don’t need to read the Quran and Hadith to confirm what they have told me.”

At that time, her words had started stinging and I started shouting back at her as well “Hey whatever I believe in is my business and what you believe in is yours. Don’t you dare say a word against me, my beliefs and my community, you don’t have that right” and with that, I walked off in a huff.

We didn’t talk for a couple of days, and then one day she texts me timidly, saying she’s sorry for the outburst and that she’s missed me and she wants to talk to me. Anyway, we decide to meet up the following afternoon. While we are making small talk over coffee, the discussion somehow returns back to Ahmaddiyyat. And she starts saying, in a pleading voice, nonetheless “Saniya, listen, this belief of yours is going to land you in Hell. I’m serious. You don’t know how much wrath Allah shows on false prophets and their followers. I care about you a lot so please just come back to the real Islam. Come back to us, and pray for forgiveness from Allah. He’ll listen to you. Just stop with this crap. Otherwise, you and me, we can’t be friends either.”

I couldn’t believe it. She hadn’t called me to chat, or because she missed me. She had just met up with me to give me an ultimatum. To tell me it’s either Ahmaddiyyat or her friendship. As if she thought I was going to give up the one thing I firmly believe on, the one thing I never budge from, give it all up for a friendship. A friendship which I didn’t know would last anyway or not. So, suppressing my anger, I calmly told her that I would do nothing of the sort, I will not give up my religion for a single soul in this world no matter what happens. Her rejection showed in her face and she slowly said “Oh.. So that’s it then, eh? You don’t want my friendship, anymore? This is what I meant to you?” By then, my patience had already started running low, and I did not want anything to do with her. What use was a friend who couldn’t accept you for who you are? So I told her “Yes, bud, this is the end. But not because I want it to be, or that it was my sole purpose in life to hurt you. But because you forced me to make that decision. I’m sorry but I can’t possibly choose you over my religion. I’m sorry. But it had to be this way.”

She stood up, as if her ego had been destroyed by my words and said “Okay, Saniya as you wish. But remember, one day you will realize what wrongs you have made. And when that day comes, you will be on your knees, begging for forgiveness from everyone and from Allah, and then everyone will taunt you and laugh at you for how strong you were in this make-belief religion of yours. I hope that you find your way, but till then you are nothing to me, I’m sorry I ever trusted you with anything, you guys are a sorry lot of asses and bitches who don’t give a damn about religion” And with this speech, she took one disapproving look at me and walked away, never to be seen of heard of, by me, again.

That day, I realized that no matter what happens, I will never be accepted by the people of Pakistan. I will never be accepted because of the rigid minds of elders and because of the constitution which declares us non-Muslims and does not give us any rights unless we publicly declare that we can are not Muslims. People will always come and talk to me and spend a good time with me, but as soon as they realize that I’m an Ahmadi, that stop talking and stop keeping in touch, as if it’s a contagious disease that will engulf them as well. Needless to say, it’s very dangerous to mention you’re an Ahmadi in Pakistan, anyway, because you’re a target for murder and kidnappings then. But I still say, I am proud to be an Ahmadi, and I always will be, no matter who comes, who goes and who hurts me in the end, I will always choose my religion over everything else, and I guess that’s the only thing that matters.