Ode to my dad

I sit by the window today, staring out into the night. I'm quiet. Not for the first time, I'm short of words. I can not quite describe how I'm feeling. Music is distantly playing silently in the background, some song about some loved one being lost. I can't seem to remember what it is. I just stare out the window, with tears rolling down my cheeks, even though I have tried hard to push them back, but they roll down, and I don't even realise it.

Today marks the 9th death anniversary of my father, who passed away in 2004. He passed away within minutes, even though it seemed like an eternity to all us who witnessed it firsthand. It seemed like none of us had any idea of the tragedy that was about to befall us because we just thought it was some minor chest pain. Little did we know that we were about to lose someone we had come to love so dearly, we didn't know how to live without him. 

Today, my heart breaks into more pieces. It seems every day that I grow older, the pain seems to increase, the heart refuses to believe, the eyes won't stop tearing up at the thought of my father. His cheerful smile, the way he brought colour into my life. Now the world just seems black and white and a million shades of grey. The world doesn't seem the same anymore, my life doesn't seem the same anymore, life isn't all laughters anymore. It's full of melancholy and sadness. 

Today is the worst day of every year I go through. Today is the day I have come to dread. Today is the day I give in to all my vulnerability, and cry and sob and think about him all day. Today is the day, I remember him with a heart so broken, it can't possibly be mended. This day has become such a horrifying day for me that it really can not be described in words. So, instead, I chose to talk to my dad. Maybe that would help heal me. Maybe. Just maybe. 

This is for you, my dad, my hero. 

Dear dad,

Today is the day, I lost you. I know you're in a better place with no cruelties of this animalistic world that I live in, but I miss you so much. And I wish you were here. I wish you were to see everything I have achieved even though it is not much to speak of. I wish you were here to watch me grow up, and I wish you were here so that I could make you proud. I wish, that in your last moments, I was mature enough to realise what was happening and say good bye and I love you to you. Maybe I didn't because I was a kid, or maybe I just didn't want to let go. 

How can a broken heart mend, really? How can it mend itself when it refuses to believe? How can it believe anything is real when the mind is playing games, when it make me think you're there, when you're really not? How am I supposed to move on when I have been hallucinating for the better part of my life? People tell me to accept it and move on, but how can I do that, how could I accept a thing that my heart and mind both refuse to believe? Why should I move on when life is so dull and incomplete without you? When life really does not seem to carry any meaning without you, when I feel so restless that I could walk to the corners of the world and not find any peace because I wouldn't have found you? How can they expect this of me? 

Someone once told me to forget you. Forget this pain and hurt, be a happy person, like I used to be when I was a kid. But, forgetting that pain would mean forgetting all the good memories as well, and how could I let anyone take those away from me, the memories which make me smile when I remember them? Forgetting you would mean I would never know how great a person existed in my life. How could I possibly do that, to myself and to you? I'd bear all the pain, the heartbreak and the suffering if that means I can remember you, your face, your voice and who you were, are, and will always be for me. And I would never let that go, no matter how much it killed me. No matter how much. 

Whenever I tell people I miss you or that I wish you were here, they tell me to accept it and move on with my life. But I think that's where they're wrong, haven't gone through this themselves. They don't know the pain of losing a parent when they just became a teenager. They don't know the guilt in their heart because they weren't able to do anything to save someone they love.  They don't know how that moment, that minute, that second haunts them forever. They don't have nightmares being replayed over and over in their heads. They don't wake up crying every now and then. To be brutally honest, I hope they never do. 

Needless to say, I miss you. I hope you miss me too. I know it must be sad for you, as much as it is for me, but I sincerely hope you're happy. I pretend to be happy too for your sake, how you always used to be so cheerful, but at times, people can see the sadness from my eyes, even if I'm smiling away. I'm not going to tell you how much I miss you, because I don't think I would be able to do it justice. I just want you to know, my life is not complete without you. 

You barely talk to me anymore. You and I used to talk for hours. We don't have that anymore. I hold long conversations with you all day, but you never reply. It saddens me. You used to love talking to me. Don't you love me anymore? Or do I annoy you with my incessant talking, like I used to when I was little? Please, talk to me. I miss your voice. Your voice used to soothe me so much, where has it gone now?

Am I making any sense?

I hope I am to you, because you are the one I wrote it for. 

I miss you. It's a burning pain inside, I swear. 

I miss you. 

Saniya.