A tad bit of randomness

The above quote is by George Bernard Shaw who was a writer, a novelist and wrote plays. His usual work involved satire and black comedy but this quote hits close to home. It makes me think about what my heart desire's and it makes me wonder whether I can confidently say I'll be the happiest girl on Earth if my heart's desire was fulfilled. 

Losing your heart's desire is difficult, be it love, or fame or money or friends, or whatever it is. But what if what we want to gain is not what we expect it to be? What if your heart's desire is money, but it does't satisfy you as much as it should? What if it's popularity, and it starts to affect you negatively and people start sending you hate mails? What if it is friends, but they end up breaking your trust? What if it is love, and you feel on top of the world, only to be thrown down on the ground with a broken heart?

Things, people, life isn't what we expect it to be. And it never will be. Not that everyone is out to get you; there are truly sincere people in this world. I have them. You must have them too. But don't expect too much out of something or someone. Only some people can rise up to your expectations, the others, they're just there to pass their time. But don't be so pessimistic as to let no one in. Give some people the benefit of the doubt. They might surprise you. They might be everything you need. 

We, humans, are never satisfied with what we have. We always want more. (Notice that I said 'want' and not 'need' because our necessities are basically just food, water, shelter). We get what we want, but we always seem to want more and more and more. More money. More fame. More power. More popularity. More possessions. More everything. 

Possessions, power and money means nothing. As long as you have a healthy relationship with your Creator and family and a few friends, you're good to go. Possessions get broken, stolen, obsolete and they are nothing more than a distraction. Focus on the feelings. Focus on people. Focus on your life's motive. Focus on what you need to do. Most of all, focus on Allah. Maybe you might get what you've been looking for all your life. Maybe you will find solace in something that you never expected.

.... Put your faith in Allah. Stop planning. And let live. 

Ode to my dad

I sit by the window today, staring out into the night. I'm quiet. Not for the first time, I'm short of words. I can not quite describe how I'm feeling. Music is distantly playing silently in the background, some song about some loved one being lost. I can't seem to remember what it is. I just stare out the window, with tears rolling down my cheeks, even though I have tried hard to push them back, but they roll down, and I don't even realise it.

Today marks the 9th death anniversary of my father, who passed away in 2004. He passed away within minutes, even though it seemed like an eternity to all us who witnessed it firsthand. It seemed like none of us had any idea of the tragedy that was about to befall us because we just thought it was some minor chest pain. Little did we know that we were about to lose someone we had come to love so dearly, we didn't know how to live without him. 

Today, my heart breaks into more pieces. It seems every day that I grow older, the pain seems to increase, the heart refuses to believe, the eyes won't stop tearing up at the thought of my father. His cheerful smile, the way he brought colour into my life. Now the world just seems black and white and a million shades of grey. The world doesn't seem the same anymore, my life doesn't seem the same anymore, life isn't all laughters anymore. It's full of melancholy and sadness. 

Today is the worst day of every year I go through. Today is the day I have come to dread. Today is the day I give in to all my vulnerability, and cry and sob and think about him all day. Today is the day, I remember him with a heart so broken, it can't possibly be mended. This day has become such a horrifying day for me that it really can not be described in words. So, instead, I chose to talk to my dad. Maybe that would help heal me. Maybe. Just maybe. 

This is for you, my dad, my hero. 

Dear dad,

Today is the day, I lost you. I know you're in a better place with no cruelties of this animalistic world that I live in, but I miss you so much. And I wish you were here. I wish you were to see everything I have achieved even though it is not much to speak of. I wish you were here to watch me grow up, and I wish you were here so that I could make you proud. I wish, that in your last moments, I was mature enough to realise what was happening and say good bye and I love you to you. Maybe I didn't because I was a kid, or maybe I just didn't want to let go. 

How can a broken heart mend, really? How can it mend itself when it refuses to believe? How can it believe anything is real when the mind is playing games, when it make me think you're there, when you're really not? How am I supposed to move on when I have been hallucinating for the better part of my life? People tell me to accept it and move on, but how can I do that, how could I accept a thing that my heart and mind both refuse to believe? Why should I move on when life is so dull and incomplete without you? When life really does not seem to carry any meaning without you, when I feel so restless that I could walk to the corners of the world and not find any peace because I wouldn't have found you? How can they expect this of me? 

Someone once told me to forget you. Forget this pain and hurt, be a happy person, like I used to be when I was a kid. But, forgetting that pain would mean forgetting all the good memories as well, and how could I let anyone take those away from me, the memories which make me smile when I remember them? Forgetting you would mean I would never know how great a person existed in my life. How could I possibly do that, to myself and to you? I'd bear all the pain, the heartbreak and the suffering if that means I can remember you, your face, your voice and who you were, are, and will always be for me. And I would never let that go, no matter how much it killed me. No matter how much. 

Whenever I tell people I miss you or that I wish you were here, they tell me to accept it and move on with my life. But I think that's where they're wrong, haven't gone through this themselves. They don't know the pain of losing a parent when they just became a teenager. They don't know the guilt in their heart because they weren't able to do anything to save someone they love.  They don't know how that moment, that minute, that second haunts them forever. They don't have nightmares being replayed over and over in their heads. They don't wake up crying every now and then. To be brutally honest, I hope they never do. 

Needless to say, I miss you. I hope you miss me too. I know it must be sad for you, as much as it is for me, but I sincerely hope you're happy. I pretend to be happy too for your sake, how you always used to be so cheerful, but at times, people can see the sadness from my eyes, even if I'm smiling away. I'm not going to tell you how much I miss you, because I don't think I would be able to do it justice. I just want you to know, my life is not complete without you. 

You barely talk to me anymore. You and I used to talk for hours. We don't have that anymore. I hold long conversations with you all day, but you never reply. It saddens me. You used to love talking to me. Don't you love me anymore? Or do I annoy you with my incessant talking, like I used to when I was little? Please, talk to me. I miss your voice. Your voice used to soothe me so much, where has it gone now?

Am I making any sense?

I hope I am to you, because you are the one I wrote it for. 

I miss you. It's a burning pain inside, I swear. 

I miss you. 

Saniya.

Malala - a patriot or a ...?

Malala Yousafzai was a normal teenager, who was shot in the head and neck by the Taliban in the Swat district in an assassination attempt in 2012. Why was there an attempt to assassinate a 16-year old? Because she was an educational and women rights' activist. 

The Taliban shot her and two of her friends while they were returning home. Malala was hospitalised and was in a very critical condition. After her condition stabilised a little, she was sent to UK for intensive rehabilitation, where she remains up to this day. From there, she gives hope to all the women and children of Pakistan who are suffering under the Taliban regime and supports them and asks the world to raise their voices in favour of education. 

Malala can be seen as a perfect example of a young child, who even after going through physical and mental trauma, has not given up her stance on women getting educated. On her 16th Birthday, she presented a speech on the need for education and how women should be treated equally in this aspect. The day was named Malala Day in her favour and every child in Pakistan, and worldwide, knows her name. 

All that is good. Education is the right of every child and every women must be treated equally with respect to day-to-day matters. However, recently Malala has given the statement that she agrees that the negotiations with Taliban must commence as soon as possible and that war should be answered with peace. While she is correct in stating that peace is indeed the right way to handle most matters, however, it does NOT in any way apply to the Taliban. Malala should know that better than anyone else. 

Taliban are not someone who will negotiate easily. They will only negotiate to one thing - that Pakistan be ruled by them and be ruled how the Taliban want it to be ruled. That basically means saying goodbye to women rights, saying goodbye to recreational centres, mobile phones, etc. Anything that will be considered unIslamic according to their thinking would be banned. Beards would become mandatory and so would Hijabs. While some may consider that a good thing, these appearances are of no use if the person is forced into them. Right now, we're frustrated at the YouTube ban. If the Talibans get to rule, they would just ban the whole internet. 

There is also another approach to this. The Taliban let the political leaders rule the way they're ruling with one exception - every unIslamic person (Shia, Ahmadi, Christian, Jew, Hindu, atheist) would either be forced to leave the country or would be killed. No minority would be safe and they'd all be running under cover. This is how Pakistan, sorry Talibanistan, would look like should peace talks be carried on. But I digress. 

Today, I hear another statement about Malala aspiring to be a politician. When I heard this, all I could think of was - beta aap ki umar kya hai? (Child, how old are you?) She's 16. I completely agree with her supporting education and women rights, but a politician? She needs to complete her education first, the main thing that she is actually standing on, and if she wants something to do afterwards, she can work, she can do so much, but politics? Does she really think of herself to be as smart and cunning and evil and sly as all our politicians? Does she know how to even enter into this game of politics? She's just a child, shouldn't her parents be knocking some sense into her?

Malala is now known worldwide. Every person knows her name, she is the inspiration of many women in Pakistan who aren't strong enough to stand up for themselves. What image is she then portraying to the whole world of trying to negotiate with those inhumane people who kill people thinking it's their right and they're acting on the word of God, by killing innocent people? How does she expect people to love her if she agrees that Taliban can be negotiated with? How does she expect Pakistan to survive with this?

We are all entitled to our opinions. I'm entitled to mine, just as Malala is entitled to hers. But instead of saying some words to please some higher power, or to try and make herself popular, is not going to work for her or anyone else in the long run. I don't know if someone exercises some power over her or if she is making such stupid statements out of her own mind, but she needs to think long and hard before she makes statements like this again. People are already starting to think she's a fake, they're going to start defaming her completely soon. 

On a lighter note though, I've heard she mentioned something about liking Justin Bieber. Talk about loving horrible music. Someone should give her some good music to listen to, maybe that might help in knocking some sense into her. 

Oh well. 

Survivor of domestic abuse

She lies on the floor, bleeding. Her face is full of scratches and her hands and feet are completely bruised. She has no strength inside her to get up. Nor is she willing to. She's waiting for the darkness to overcome her, to engulf her in it. She waits for death.. Death would be so much better than a life like this. She waits, as a tear rolls down her cheek as the last few years flash by her eyes..

Her name is Natasha and she was an only child. She belonged to a very noble and rich family, and was looking for a job after finishing her masters when her parents told her that a proposal had come for her by a man named Asad, and they're willing to accept it. She knew the guy, he was a family friend, and they got along pretty well but she was worried that there would be so many limitations if she got married soon. Her parents reassured her that the guy would not put any restrictions on her, as his parents had clarified when they had sent the proposal, and she could work or study if she wanted. 

She still wasn't sure. But seeing how happy the proposal made her parents, she began to second guess her decision of saying no. Soon enough, she mustered up the courage and told her parents that she was willing to accept the proposal. The happiness on her parents' face could not be expressed in words. 

The wedding preparations began. Within months, she was married to Asad and the first few months went by smoothly. She was in love with him and he with her. They never fought and were willing to sacrifice anything for each other. Natasha decided to be a housewife instead of pursuing her career. 

One day, Asad came home, angry due to some trouble at the office. Natasha asked what was wrong but he just snubbed her and told her to leave him alone. Never having seen him like this, Natasha got worried and asked him to let out his worries and that she was ready to listen. Asad was already upset and he started screaming - 'Natasha, why can't you just leave me alone? For the love of God, stop badgering me with you stupid, incessant questions!' Natasha, hurt by this attitude, told him that dinner was on the table and that she was going to bed. Asad looked at her and said with a sneer - Go sleep, you can do nothing at all, you're a pathetic fool with no abilities at all. 

Natasha did not know what to say so she just kept quiet and started to walk away when Asad caught up to her and turned her around, and slapped her right across the face and said - 'Do you think you can try walking away from me? Don't you ever do that again.' Asad went away, leaving Natasha, shocked and completely humiliated. 

The next day, Asad came home with an apologetic smile and a bouquet of her favourite flowers and told her he was really angry and that he didn't mean for it to happen and promised to never let it happen again. Natasha believed him knowing it won't happen again, that it was just a one time thing. A week later, Asad came home, furious and frustrated due to office issues and hit Natasha again, this time with wooden stick. She was completely bruised and was left bleeding on the floor. 

It kept happening over and over, the beating, the apologies, the gifts and the cycle began again. Until one day, Natasha told him he could either stop beating her or she's going to get a divorce. Asad got infuriated once again and beat her constantly, all the while saying - 'you're that bold? Why don't you stand up and fight me, you pathetic girl? You can't even stand up to me, how the hell are you going to divorce me, huh?' He beat her up so much that every part of her was bleeding, every single muscle in her body screamed with pain. She was left in her own blood, while Asad walked out of the house. 

She finally got the strength to text her best friend who came over and took her to the hospital. She survived, she also managed to get a divorce without any complications because ber injuries were enough proof of Asad's treatment of her. But, to this day, she looks behind her shoulder every time she goes out alone, worried that Asad would make sure she died next time he found her.  But she has survived. She has lived. 

Natasha is an example of so many women in the world who are being subjected to such abuse on a daily basis. Some of them are strong enough to stand up and get a divorce and get rid of such men from their lives, but most of them have other issues to consider and they're not that strong. They constantly get beaten up, they get beaten up by bricks, steel, wood, anything that could eventually kill them. And most of these men do not even realise they're in the wrong, they think their wives are some object to be cruel with. Newsflash, they're not. They are as much of a human as you are, and they deserve equal respect. 

This is based on a true story. So, raise your voice against domestic abuse. Raise your voice against cruelties against women. Raise your voice in favour of rights and respect of women. They deserve equality. They deserve dignity. If you know of anyone who is being abused, please report it immediately. Help your friend, cousin, relative, acquaintance. Help them, become their saviour. You just might be the one that they need. You might end up saving their lives. 

Peshawar bleeds yet again

Today, on 22nd September 2013, around 60 people were killed and over a 100 were injured when two blasts occurred near a church in the Peshawar Kohati's gate area. Many women and children, including a three year old child, also died, and most of them are in a critical condition. 

What was their fault? What possible sin did they commit? What could they possibly have done to deserve something so horrific to happen to them? They were Christians. They were not Muslims. They did not believe what the 'official Muslims' of Pakistan believe in. Their fault is that they exist. Their fault is that they were born in Pakistan, the country which does not believe in the rights of minorities, rather it believes in the right to make their life a living hell. Their fault is that they are helpless. Their fault is that they are basically not Muslims. 

Today once again, the government has failed to provide adequate security to the minorities of Pakistan. Today once again people have died due to their beliefs. Today, children and women, for whom it was just an ordinary Sunday with ordinary church meetings, have died merely because they went to church to practise their beliefs. Now, they'll be returning home without their loved ones. Many of them will be returning to empty homes. But heartbreakingly, many of them will not be returning at all. 

All this commotion, all this haphazardness, all this chaos but the government just sits and does nothing. The government fails to provide adequate security to its minorities. It also fails to prevent hate speech against the minorities, all of them including Christians, Hindus, Ahmadis and Shias. It fails to give them their basic right - the right to live. No one can declare that any minority has been given that basic right, because that would be an outright lie. All the government can do when something like this happens is to fake a sad face, look grim and condemn the attack and demand for the victims to be brought to justice. They won't take any action against any perpetrators, they won't TRY to investigate the incident. Why? Because they're just minorities. 

So I ask the government and the politicians and everyone who just gave a statement condemning the attack - What will condemning the attack do? The victims, they don't need your fake sympathies. They don't need your phony statements about condemnation. They don't need your stupid statements to the press. They need security. They need justice. They need to be assured that this will not happen again. Can you provide it? Can you promise them this won't happen again? How can you when you don't even give a damn what happens to the minorities in Pakistan anyway? As long as no one hurts you and your family, why would you even care?

We demand justice. We demand basic rights to be given to all minorities to be able to freely practise their religion, we demand them to be able to live without the fear of constantly look over their shoulder for someone who wants to kill them in the name of Islam. We want guarantee that all their rights will be safeguarded and that they will be provided security. We demand justice for each and every person who has been affected by those monstrous attacks in the name of Islam. This is not what Islam teaches. Islam is a religion of peace and love, it is not the religion of forcefulness and hatred and bloodshed. 

Today, Peshawar bleeds. Today Pakistan bleeds. You may not call them Pakistanis, you may even pass judgements that Christians have always been secretly working against Pakistan, but you know deep down that Christians are as Pakistani as they come. Today, they have lost over 60 members of their community. Just condemning an attack will not do. What good does it do to them? Will it bring their loved ones back? Will the perpetrators get what they deserve? Will the police even bother investigating? Or will they let it be, because after all, they're Christians, just another minority of Pakistan. 

Yesterday, the Kalima was removed from an Ahmadi mosque in Sialkot. Today, a massacre of Christians took place in Peshawar. What is next? Which minority is going to be targeted next? Shias? Hindus? Or back to Ahmadis? This is never going to end. This will keep on going until the extremists wipe out every minority from Pakistan and then live in the 'land of the pure'. That pure land which is now full of the blood of innocent men, women and children. The same pure land which all of these minorities helped to make. The same pure land which now has no place for anyone except the religious extremists inciting hatred against minorities and the greedy politicians, who only care about money and power. 

To the minorities, I say run. Run and do not look back. Pakistan is not the place to live right now, or anytime in the near future. Live somewhere where at least you will be treated like a human, at the very least. At least you would be able to live without the constant fear that you'll be murdered at that very spot. Run. 

To the attackers and the government, I say you can kill people and murder them in the name of Islam and you can condemn these incidents all you want, but God knows what is in your hearts. Fear the day when you will be judged in front of Him for murdering innocent people. Fear the day when He encompasses you in His Wrath. Because no wrath is greater than His. Fear that day. May some sense be knocked into you. 

So long. Till the next blast. Till the next minority attack in the name of Islam. 

My love for God

Throughout our life, we are told time and time again by parents, relatives, teachers, friends, everyone basically, to love God. We are told to adore Him and live for Him and die remembering Him. But what does this love mean anyway? Some prayers, some recitation of Arabic words? Here's my experience of the love I have for God. 

Since I was a child, I was constantly ordered by my elders to pray five times a day, to recite the Quran, learn its meaning and to remember Allah in every joy and every sorrow. While seems an easy thing to read, it's much harder to actually put it into actions. Because when you are in sorrow, most of the time you end up questioning God instead of praying to him. When you are happy, you completely forget him. When you are angry, you tell Him that whatever happened was wrong. It's only when you are in trouble and you find no way out, that you seek Him, forgetting about how you have always ignored Him. 

All our lives, we hear of people talking about how other people have used them, how they have just bothered contacting us because they wanted a favour, but isn't that the exact thing that we are doing to God? Don't we ignore him when we're content with our lives, and bow down to Him only when we need something? Not that He needs our prayers, but we do need Him, because our life and everything to do with it does lie in His Hands and His Hands only.  

For as long as I can remember, my prayers have been usually a duty. A responsibility put on me. I have to pray five times a day, so I will. Maybe I'll skip a few since I'm busy with random, worthless things, maybe I'll join them together, maybe I won't bother. When I do pray, I keep thinking of worldly stuff instead of concentrating on God. And I'll pray fast so as to not miss my favourite show. I'm sure most of us have done that, because we are humans, we are bound to err at some point in our life. 

Recently, a friend (literally an angel in disguise) made me realise what love for God is. How you completely submit your whole self to Him and beg for His mercy in all walks of life. How your really start concentrating on the words said during your five daily prayers, and as soon as you do that, you can't stop the tears from coming. How when you pray or recite the Holy Quran, you try and imagine that God is listening to you and you shudder and vow to be true to yourself and your faith. How you do every single act knowing that God is Watching you, and you actually try and be good. 

Normally, you listen to these kind of conversations, apply them on your life for a week, and then find something more interesting. For me, when this conversation ended, I vowed to love God like He has loved me (of course, He probably loves me more). I started praying five times a day with a new fervour, and every time I started praying, I would imagine that God is listening to this humble soul, and I would almost crumble. I would recite the Holy Quran with translation, and start realising the meaning behind the words. I would think about every thing I spoke, careful not to hurt anyone, for God was watching. Hence, in every way, at every time, I would try and remember that God is my Creator, my life is in His Hands. I belong to Him and no one else. 

I could not have asked for a better change in myself. I could not have asked of a more perfect gift in life than seeking out God and submitting yourself wholly to Him. I know I am not religious enough to be a scholar, or have enough religious knowledge or aptitude to teach about it, but God has given me the strength to learn. Every day, I learn something more. Each day brings a new experience, a new reality, a new sign of love from God. And truth be told, this world does seem like a better place now. Yes, I do get upset and depressed at times, but as I mentioned above, I'm human. I am bound to my emotions. But God is so Merciful and Kind that He never lets me be sad for long, as long as I remember Him. He is mine, and I am His. And I pray for this bond to last for as long as I live. 

The end of humanity

A five year old girl was brutally physically and sexually assaulted by unidentified men in Lahore today and was dumped near the Ganga Ram hospital in a semi-comscious state. What was the girl's fault? She was born in Pakistan and she was a girl. And in Pakistan, rapes are usually justified by the phrase - we were provoked because obviously all men are saints. As if a five year old child, who is years away from puberty, can actually provoke grown men into raping her. 

Reading this, I have officially declared that there is absolutely no humanity left, and by this I do not mean in Pakistan, I mean in the whole world. I have heard of rape cases with personal vengeances, rapes due to land disputes, gang rapes, etc. But rarely have I ever heard of a rape of a such a young girl at such an innocent age, with absolutely no idea what rape even is. After this horrible brutality, if she survives this (and I hope and pray she does), what will her future be like? Won't it be constantly affected by every single thing that happened today? Won't she at times wish she had never been born? Won't she hate men her whole life? Won't she stay at a 10 feet distance from every man and be threatened by every single person who is being nice to her? Will she not be constantly looking over her shoulder in fear throughout her whole life? 

This girl is hospitalised right now. Not only is she internally damaged, she had to get stitches on her back, stomach and legs. A fully grown person can't handle so much wounds, how is a young child supposed to? How is a young child supposed to handle the pain, when they cry when they scrape a knee? 

It has all come down to no moral values, rather no values at all. These rapists, the worst kind of criminals that ever existed, they don't care. They got what they wanted. They got their desire. They don't care who loses their lives in the process or who gets traumatised for life. They don't care if the girl's own parents might never be able to looks at her the same way again. They don't care if the girl lives or dies. They don't care how she is just hanging by a thread. All they could care about is that no body ever finds out it was them because there would a punishment. 

But what punishment would there be really? In our society, has a rapist ever been punished? Have these criminals, who deserve nothing less than death penalty,  been charged for such a heinous crime? Our idiotic law system actually provides a cover for the rapists. If and when this case does go into court, the judge will demand four witnesses. How anyone can expect a victim of rape, especially a five year old girl at that, to bring no less than four witnesses is beyond me. Naturally, almost all rapists acquitted. 

Even if, by a miracle, the rapists does get punished, if best comes to best, he is served death penalty, what then? Pakistan has one less rapist, but how will it affect the girl, to whom adequate security was not provided? Will she be as confident as she was? Will her trauma end there? Will her life be perfect? You answer that. 

I sincerely hope and pray that she recovers soon, and that somehow, by some miracle by God, she is able to move past this and become so successful in her life that this will just become a mere shadow of her past. I also pray that her parents have the courage in them to face everything that they are facing right now and may they have all the strength in the world to bear this. My heart goes out to you. And you are now in my prayers.